F is for Failure

I'm gutted to report that my candidacy has been terminated at the QEP stage. I was somehow qualified enough two years ago, but not this time around. I can't/won't understand it. All I know is that I'm absolutely crushed, as my candidacy will expire in October, and I have to start all over in February. What seemed like a guarantee when I passed in August of 2009 is all but an impossibility now. There have already been a lot of tears shed this morning over this news, and I know there are more to come.

I'm obviously going to keep trying until I get in, but I can't help but feel cheated. With all of the other negative things that have been going on in my personal life, I thought this would be a bright spot. It didn't turn out that way. I don't quite know how to process this latest failure, but what I do know is I am going to crawl into the fetal position on the couch and cry.

Keeping Resolutions

Last year I set a few goals for myself. I'm happy to say that I've followed through on most of them. M and I are on our way to being healthier versions of ourselves. In the last six weeks, I've lost just under 21 lbs, and he has lost just over 33 lbs. I'm very proud of him (and myself, for that matter), but we're going to keep up the good work.

I've really enjoyed living in Austin. I'm making great friends, having new experiences, and making an actual life here. It feels like home. And this summer, with my new classes in CS/CIT, I'll be taking language classes. Things are coming together slowly but surely. That's really all I can ask for right now.

On Starting Over

For me, the last year has been a journey in starting over. I moved to Texas in January 2010 to get away from a very toxic family situation in Massachusetts. I had a couple of friends, but was really starting over and living a new life down here. I split from my boyfriend of four years, and met someone new and wonderful. I began and got laid off from my job. The government cut back on hiring and DS cleared hundreds of new names for the register; I had to start over with the Foreign Service.

Tens of thousands of dollars into my bachelor's degree later, I have realized that I have no real, feasible Plan B for if the Foreign Service doesn't come through. So here I am, making what I hope is the adult decision to start over one more time. Because I was laid off due to outsourcing, I'm eligible for a program that falls under the Trade Adjustment Act. This allows me to attend training for a new career full-time while collecting unemployment benefits. I have up to two years to complete said training. This means I have the opportunity to bid the soul-sucking world of customer service and call centers adieu.

After a week of being completely overwhelmed with information and emotions--mostly regarding the possibility of ending my Foreign Service candidacy for another year at least--I took a deep breath, spoke to some of my friends, and decided to look into computer science and information technology. While this is completely subject to change, it's likely that I will start school this summer to gain a degree and/or certifications in programming. It's not a field I ever would have imagined for myself, but it makes sense. I live in a technology hub, so a career in computer science is a natural shift. There are a lot of positions available for an entry-level programmer, and they make enough for me to pay my bills (an all-important trait, really), so I'm going to go for it. A new skill-set can't hurt me, and I'm ready to look for a secondary career, not another job to occupy for the next however many months.

I'm nervous and scared that this might not work out for me, but it feels like a step in the right direction. I still want the Foreign Service more than anything else in this world, but I'm willing to consider reality for once.

A Deviation from the Norm

Last night I was faced with a situation that really got under my skin. I'm not aggravated about it anymore, but there are still things I feel need to be said about what happened.

Every Friday night my boyfriend has a get-together at his place to unwind and play drinking games. M used to be in a fraternity here in Austin, and some of his friends from those days still drop by. I am well aware of who the stereotypical frat boys and sorority girls are, and I will say that while there are plenty of these types around, he associates with many others who have broken the mold. He, himself, does just that. However, there are a few who fall into that cliché casting: over-privileged, entitled, loud-mouthed, opinionated, sheltered (generally white) kids who know nothing of life beyond their segregated hometowns, college campuses, and good-ol'-boy ways.

I try not to associate with these people. I am civil, polite, and sometimes even friendly, but I choose not to seek them out for a reason. They are not the company I wish to keep. Because of the intimate setting of last night's gathering, and the attendance of just six people (myself included), it was nearly impossible to escape association with a couple for whom I don't much care.

This couple on multiple occasions has said things I flat-out disagree with and, at times, find offensive and/or repugnant. Things such as, "I'm more okay with black people than Hispanic people; she's the opposite. She really doesn't like black people that much." and "I only think blue-eyed, blonde-haired babies are cute. You know, Nazi babies." and "This girl showed up, and she was poor, but trying to dress like she wasn't. I mean, come on! You're poor! Stop pretending!" and many instances of the well-known "I'm not _______, but [insert offensive stereotype or assumption here]."

As a woman of mixed heritage who grew up with a lot of racism in my own family (white side making derogatory remarks about my black side), I get especially angry when I'm subjected to idiotic comments like the ones above. I realize I'm in the South now, but hasn't my generation started to move past this ridiculousness? Is my generation really not any more enlightened than their parents? How are we still failing this badly? We, as a society, have to do better. These two people are going to mate and eventually pop out children. Are these kids going to be just as narrow-minded and bigoted as their elitist parents? How can we fix this awful mess?

These two have a history of running their mouths unchecked because people don't want to cause a scene or make waves in an otherwise okay friendship. Not me. I have a very low tolerance for this kind of behavior. I spoke up yesterday from a place of emotion and anger after I had had enough of their self-indulgent and myopic musings. Naturally, it didn't go over well. These two are the types where calm and logic wouldn't haven't been effective anyway, but I'm disappointed in myself and my own reaction to the situation. I let my own past and baggage dictate how I responded. I'm not sorry for what I said (essentially that they were sheltered, arrogant, obnoxiously opinionated, and often said racist or borderline racist things), but I wish I had handled it better. I'm a better person than how I acted yesterday, and I want to admit my mistake.

I believe that speaking up is and always will be the right thing to do. I'm not sorry I said how I felt, but I wish I could have conducted myself with a little more class because I don't think I accomplished anything last night but to make them defensive. What good did I do for myself, their views, or anyone other minority they come across? None.

For now I'll let bygones be bygones, but in the future I hope I remember this lesson. And I hope you will, too.

Results Are In

I haven't been obsessively checking my email and waiting for my FSOT results letter, so I was surprised when a former study-buddy of mine back in Boston sent me a Facebook message to ask me how I did. I logged into my email account and, sure enough, there were the results for our tests. I was nervous opening my results letter. When I saw that I passed I was relieved, but I didn't feel the overwhelming happiness and joy I did the first time. In 2009, I literally screamed so loud I scared my dogs. This time I just accepted that I have a lot more hurdles that I must overcome before I can truly be excited.

I'm going to spend the next week or so crafting my PNQs. I may reuse one or two, but I need to make sure I stand out from the rest. After all, if I blow it here, I'm done for another year.

Why Tomorrow's Test is Different

I'm taking the FSOT for the second time tomorrow. It's different this go around. I'm much more nervous than I was two years ago, even though I know what to expect. What has changed?

When I signed up to take this exam in February 2009, all I knew was that I wanted to be a diplomat someday. I didn't have a college degree, I was unemployed, and I didn't expect to pass. I hoped to pass, of course, but I thought my chances were slim to none. I didn't know what lay ahead of me. This time, I still don't have a college degree, I'm yet again unemployed, but I know I can pass. I've been through the entire gauntlet, and I know that State thinks I'd be able to hack it in their world. However, the candidate pool is significantly larger than two years ago; it is much more competitive; and State isn't hiring as many people. I could get the exact same questions right, and I could write the same killer essay, and there's no guarantee that I am going to pass. If I don't pass, I can kiss my candidacy goodbye until next year, because I'm set to expire in October. There's so much more riding on this test.

I'm taking a deep breath and trying to calm my nerves. On to tomorrow.

Biting the Bullet

I submitted my registration/application for the FSOT. It's been two years since I last registered for the test. I feel like that timespan would be more acceptable if I hadn't made it all the way through the first attempt (or two!), but I succeeded on my first attempt! I made it all the way through! Yet, I'm still languishing on the register.

I was successful at putting the Foreign Service out of my mind, or at least toward the back, for a while, but that familiar obsession is coming back with a vengeance. I want so badly to get that call in 2011. I'd do almost anything for it.

Hook 'Em Horns!

An Update

Things are more or less the same here these days, with a few new developments.

First and foremost, I'm losing my job. Again. This is the second job from which I've been laid off, and I have yet to find a replacement. I would be more upset if I didn't have some sort of backup plan in the works, but I'm working on something that may allow me to learn a language and gain my .17 bonus points. Russian is futile at this point. Full-time FSOs get 44 weeks of training to get to a 2/2, and since I'm at a 0+/0+ on a good day, this just isn't going to work for me. Since I took four years of French in high school, I'm going to take two months off once I am laid off (January 3 is D-Day for me) and try to learn the language full time. I'm probably a 1/1+ at this point; I read much better than I speak or understand, but reading doesn't even factor in the phone test at all. I've been listening to http://www.rfi.fr/ daily to train my ear in getting used to hearing French spoken at a rapid rate (and in many different accents/dialects; much of the French spoken is from Western African countries). Bonus points will bump me up to the low 20s on the Consular register. That puts me on the cusp of an invite. I'll be retesting in February/March for the FSOT because I expire off the register in October. Le sigh.

On a more positive note, I went to New England for a long weekend from November 12-15. I got to see my dad and quite a few of my friends. We had a pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving on that Saturday, where we attempted to make a turkey for the first time ever. It went off with only the most minor of glitches, and seven of us sat down to a beautiful meal at my friend Ralph's apartment in Burlington. It was one of the best nights I've had all year, and it helped a lot to alleviate my homesickness. The crew all want to try to make it down this way at some point in the near future, and we're hoping for a February get-together. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it happens!

My New England trip made me feel like Thanksgiving has already come and gone, but there is still dinner to be had this week. In a first-ever experience for me, I'll be dining with my boyfriend and his family. As all of you are now well aware, I don't even celebrate holidays with my real family, so this is a big change. However, he and his parents/stepparent have done everything in their power to make me feel welcome. They are really wonderful people, and I feel honored to be spending a meaningful holiday with them. I'll be bringing my delicious take on a holiday classic (it's called pumpkin chiffon pie), and spending Thanksgiving evening at the UT v. A&M game. I'm actually starting to like football; who knew?

There isn't much else going on. I'm trying to keep my head down and work these last 6 weeks without too much fuss or complaint. The generous severance package coupled with my school loan excess will be enough to see me through a few months comfortably. For that I'm grateful. Things always seem to work out for me in one way or another, and I'm so thankful that I have my friends and loved ones by my side just in case.

And please enjoy this Billy Joel classic. It's been stuck in my head for days.

Happiness is...

There's nothing quite like overlooking Austin's rolling hills and cliffs bathed in the moonlight with the top down, warm night breeze combing through your hair, and the best of company next to you. Nights like that are bound to stick with you forever.