I don't want to have children. Ever.
I've always felt this way. When I was a little girl, I never liked to pretend my dolls were my babies, or that I was their mother, nor did I fantasize about growing up and having babies or getting/being pregnant. I apologize in advance to all you moms out there who may heartily disagree, but pregnancy and childbirth sincerely gross me out. Like, to the point of making me queasy when I hear terms like "mucous plug" (barf!). I think some babies are cute, but I never have thought to myself, "Aww! I want one of those!" I honestly believe that I lack true maternal instincts. So, if I really don't want kids, why am I writing this post?
The Foreign Service is much more than a job, or even a career. This is a lifestyle you choose. You weigh the pros and cons, and then you choose. I wrote a few months back about the toll this choice has taken on my relationship, and while it's really hard to accept, I have to realize how much of this is my doing. I want this lifestyle; not everyone else will want it, too. Most of the people I read about or have heard about in the Foreign Service are very family-oriented, or have spouses/significant others who want to be a part of this life. They have their husbands/wives/fiancés/fiancées/children to help make the transition easier for them once they move overseas. I won't have a significant other, and I choose not to have children.
As a single woman joining the Foreign Service, finding a partner is likely going to be an uphill battle. Men have it a little easier. As the old joke goes, if you want to find out where a man spent his first tour, ask his wife where she's from. On top of that, finding a partner who is interested in spending most of his adult life overseas with me (either following me or as a tandem partner) is going to be a bit more work.
I sometimes worry that because FSOs seem so deeply family-oriented, that I'm going to end up somewhat left out. Rational? Irrational? I don't know. I don't really need to be worrying about that right now, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.
How did you folks out there manage to strike a balance between choosing a career in the Foreign Service and maintaining your sanity in regards to your personal life?
Now THIS is America!
5 days ago
10 comments:
My class seems to be an exception, but I hear most A-100 classes see a few marriages between members...
It's true that A-100s often produce marriages - one for sure out of my class, and several from the class right before me.
This is a concern a lot of us singles have. I don't have much advice for you, because it's something I'm still working through myself. But it helped me at least to know that other people have the same concerns... made me feel less crazy. Good luck!
Oh, HONEY. Hugs to you.
There needs to be some sort of FS singles dating thing (Yahoo group?) or something!
And as a mother knee-deep in child raising and rearing, I would tell you wholeheartedly that if you don't want kids, DON'T HAVE KIDS! You will be quite fine! It's hard to have them, so unless you're dying for them, then going childless is totally your thing, and that's great!
No advice, just hugs. Lots of hugs.
It's Friday, and that means that the Weekly State Department Blog Roundup is up - and you're on it!
Here is the link:
http://bit.ly/9MFF60
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Thanks!
I am a mom. I have four kids. So in the FS, I spend the majority of my time socializing with families who have kids the same ages as mine (just like I did back in the States). But I see lots of singles and childless couples overseas. They mostly socialize with each other - and they're probably having more fun, too! Seriously, there are plenty of folks for you to hang with who won't be kid-centered.
I believe you're right, though: it's lots harder for girls to find life mates in the FS than boys, because there aren't a lot of boys who want to follow their girls around the world. It's also hard for a single American woman to compete against some of the local talent. (At one post, the local girlfriend would leap to her feet to towel off her Embassy boyfriend when he got out the pool - ummm, yeah, he's not gonna want an independent American woman after that.)
Don't worry - you'll find your tribe. There are all sorts of people in the FS, and they all manage to find friends at every post, with or without kids.
Don't despair, but I won't sugar-coat it. It's hard. I've been in 12 years, single when I came in, single now. It's certainly not impossible to find a man-spouse who will adapt to the lifestyle who is NOT in the FS, but it's more rare... However, I have a fantastic time, I've served in 4 25% hardship posts, and have had a great time with singles and families alike. this life is what you make of it, most of the time.
As a fellow single woman, I like to think about it this way: there is no guarantee you will met someone and fall in love here in the United States. I have friends who are in their late 30s and still haven't found "the one". At least this way, you will be leading a very, very rewarding life and if you find someone that's just icing on the cake!
Thank you, ladies, for the kind words. It's really nice to know that there is so much support for one another out there, and that there are plenty of you who find the work rewarding enough to remind me why I'm choosing to do this in the first place.
I really appreciate that. :)
Sorry for what I know will be a long comment, I've been thinking about you since I read this post last week. Reading your first two paragraphs, I thought, "That (was) ME!" I have a couple "diary" posts I drafted and never published, expressing those exact same thoughts ... although I had never heard of a mucous plug; someone is oversharing with you ... And then, I had a baby six weeks ago (never saw a mucous plug), and all those feeling of inadequacy and ineptitude and non-maternal-ness -- basically, FEAR -- have been swallowed up by crazy (hormone-induced, I'm sure, but who cares?) love. Whether that happens to you one day or not, just know that no matter how un-mommy-like you see yourself, it's a natural progression and you would be OK. Backing up, as far as relationships, I'm lucky because my guy wants to travel and work online from anywhere in the world. Many of our friends at Post are single, and we have a great time. Then again, the most unhappy people I've seen are those who are single and feel sorry for themselves and assume couples/families wouldn't want to hang out with them. I think that like others have said, you can't guarantee anything, and if you don't worry about having or not having a family, you will not be left out. You will have friends with all different family situations and you will love your decision to put you and your dreams first, come what may! Good luck!!!
I feel exactly the same way. Never played with dolls, never pinched babies cheeks in grocery stores. I've never even HELD a baby! If I got pregnant, I'd be hoping it was kittens instead! I'm 43 and only 7 years ago did I get married and found myself a step-mother, which is as far down that road as I care to go. Should your FS life come to fruition, you will be ready for anything, nobody's school to consider, nobody else's fears or desires, no guilt that your life is altering someone else's -what a luxury.
I'm rooting for you, and don't let anyone try to make you feel bad for not being maternal or married. What will come, will come.
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