Moving Forward

I've spent the last few days in Burlington, Vermont, visiting friends and keeping busy. It was a nice getaway that bordered on necessity in an attempt to keep my brain from dwelling on my (former) relationship. However, I've decided to let myself feel sad for a little while. It's a natural part of healing, but I've been trying my best to avoid it. I don't think anyone likes to feel sad. Anger is so much easier. Avoidance is easier--in the short term, at least. You can actually function when you don't feel as though getting through the night is an impossible task or waking up is a burden. Sadness saps your energy and drive. Who wants to willingly submit to that? I didn't, but it's necessary. I have to grieve the loss of a relationship that lasted three and a half years, my closest confidante, the future that had been talked about ad infinitum, and a very large part of the identity I had assumed as one half of our pairing.

There is nothing wrong with feeling sad. But that doesn't give me license to sulk for the foreseeable future, to give up on my diet, act financially irresponsibly, or unnecessarily burden my friends with my rantings. I must take steps to live my life normally, if not a little better than before. Getting stuck in a rut right now is not an option. My sadness is real, even palpable at times, and that's okay as long as I don't let it consume or define me.

For the first time I am willing to admit what I've known since our first long-distance trial: this was never going to work, but I allowed it to pathetically limp along for three years on false hope. I will get over it, of that I'm sure. Even if tears will sometimes bubble up over the next however many days, weeks, or months, I am a strong person and I will be fine without him. Better, even. My brain and the rest of my emotions simply need a little bit of time to sync up.

I can say that I am genuinely glad this split is happening now instead of when I am in A-100 or heading to post. My life is now my own, and I only need to focus on my needs and wants. If I want to go to Africa, I can. I don't have to worry about plane fare, organizing visits, the time difference and trying to make it work over Skype, all while balancing my new, busy life in a strange country. There is something very freeing about that.

I'm still young and I have so much more to experience. One bad relationship will certainly not prevent me from doing just that.